i read my past blogs, uhh i was depressed. i was going through a hard time. i am so much better now, i feel like life is going so well. i have a great boyfriend, school is challeneging finally...pretty much everything except my working conditions. o well, im going to quit soon. everything is so great. i dont drink anymore. its such a relief. my boyfriend helped me to realize that its infact not a good idea. i even had time to talk a walk yesterday. which was quite one of the most relieving things ive done in the past few months. i walked downtown for an hour. its so beautiful when the sun is setting on the tall buildings, and the ones that have neat windows. haha. i laugh so much more now too. my boyfriend is so funny. gosh, this girly stuff is like overwhelming. i think thats why i hate my job so. im a stocker at scotts, which is basically a mans job. i move heavy stuff, push heavy carts, stock groceries, keep the store organized and clean, work one on one with dept. heads and managers. i really dont like it. but i suppose myjob is important. they tell me if i left that it would be hard to find someone to replace me...OoOoOoO cant wait to leave...ahaha, anyways, i got to finish some visual basic work...yay...until later...im sure ill still be
hello, yes, me again. im crazy. this is the second time ive posted here and already got like 5 comments on my first blog. do you think its possible to be born naturally depressed? i think i was. im sure it doesnt help i was born on the gemini/cancer cusp either. my emotions right now are just fucking amazingly going insane. its like PMSing xs10. i cant keep my mind on one thing or person at a time...no its not ADD. i cant decide which person to be with...maybe im just dumb. sometimes, im so tired i begin to hallucinate, or so much energy i feel like beating the shit out of someone. maybe i just need to get out. not out of my house, but out of this state or country...i want to join the peace corps. i think that might make me normal again. i was never normal to begin with, so nm on that one. but if i stay here, i might as well commit suicide. this place(ft. wayne IN) sucks. horribly. i need so badly to leave this place. i dont even care where i go, just not here. preferably id like to be on a deserted island. alone. naked. and a bottle of rum. (rum only sounds god because obviously on MY island there will be coconuts and pineapple. i dont think vodka goes with those two. hmmm, i want to meet new ppl. tired of the same old bullshit with the same old ppl, who just dont understand a thing about life. not saying im an intellectual who knows all, but some ppl just are more crazy than me. ok. off to work for now. i can vent there.
i cant really explain my situation. i feel like venting...i can not vent to anyone...ANYONE, i know. its secret. its lust and business...and i am drunk. so i dont know if the feelings i am having are real, or just the alchohol. i feel as if i am going to go crazy. i want to meet new people. i need new friends, i need a new life. this one is going to drive me six feet under. everyone thinks i am so happy, but i am not. i fucking hate life. i hate the way everything goes. i hate the people i know, and those i am related to. i believe in reincarnation. i think that when i died in the last life, that, i, my soul, was not put into the right body and life. i dont feel as if i belong here. i dont want to belong here. i just want to die sometimes. i dont have a horrible life or anything. i am not being abused, neglected or w/e, i am just so depressed. i hate it. i dont know what to do. but i am not one of those selfish bastards who fucking tries to kill themselves for attention. fuck them. they are dumb.i dont think i could kill myself. if i had enough drugs or alchohol...maybe. i dont know. the only thing i know is, that i want to feel loved, and i dont, even tho some do love me, i just dont feel shit. its not them, its ALWAYS me. always. i dont want to change sometimes. sometimes i like being depressed, i want to look forward to the day i dont wake up. i wish i could sleep forever. i only feel good when i am asleep. i love to dream. so permanent sleep would be a good option for me. anyways, my situation, involves one, who is lets say above me, and we are having an intimate affair....ISH. thats it. i am not attached, at least i dont think so. he just left me, all high and dry, and that did not make me happy. but now i am depressed. not because of that, but maybe the vodka. i know when i grow up, i will be a fucking alchoholic. i cant help it. it is the only thing that makes me feel real anymore. i hate it tho. i want to change, but dont have the ambition to. i dont want to leave this life, i am afraid i will loose an opportunity to do something. i feel i will loose something i might end up loving. i want sooooo badly to love someone. age is not a restriction anymore. i want to love so bad. but i cant even find a boyfriend. i hate it. i find one, then i decide i dont like him anymore. and i cant go on. i like girls most of the time. but they are so damn annoying. maybe if i find someone who is mute, then i might like them. i dont know. can you tell? that is my favorite saying...i dont know. anyways...girls here are just bi for the attention. iwant someone to love. i want to be with someone who will give a shit about me. i want someone of intellegence and who can take care of their own ass. maybe that is why i am depressed. i can not stand the high school life. it sucks ass. i hate school, of which it starts in two days. i hate that too. i want to desperately meet someone new, and i know i will not, even tho, i look forward to the day. i truely dont believe i will. im done venting for the moment.
coffee
